


100 x infinity

by Deepdarkwaters



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-05-18 21:14:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 43
Words: 4,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5943298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deepdarkwaters/pseuds/Deepdarkwaters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles (and a few double drabbles) written for prompts on Tumblr. Leave requests in the comments here or <a href="http://deepdarkwaters.tumblr.com/ask">my Tumblr ask</a>!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Merhartwin office sex

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smaychel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaychel/gifts).



> It's much less annoying to read if you view Entire Work [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5943298?view_full_work=true).

An inventory:

Four hands, not including his own; two neatly manicured, two with nails bitten down, two right little fingers worn smooth and pale around the bases from the imprint of signet rings.

Two mouths, not including his own; one whispering warm against his ear; one tongue on his cock.

One cardigan, cashmere, the colour of merlot. Two suits, sharkskin stripes in wool and silk, one charcoal, one cobalt; one abandoned, crumpled on the office floor; one immaculate on Harry's body, chafing goosebumps into Eggsy's bare skin.

Three thundering hearts.

One laugh, quick and short, before Merlin swallows around him.


	2. Daisy the Kingsman recruit

"Before we do this," Harry says gravely, "I want to be very clear about the risks."

"Yeah. I'll probably die in some horrible explosion. I know." Daisy can see her reflection in the window - low ponytail, jeans, vintage Fred Perry t-shirt she nicked off Eggsy - before she gets close enough to the glass to see all the planes and the people rushing about.

"No. I mean Eggsy's going to bloody kill us both."

He waves her through the door. Merlin tells them they're late.

A deep breath, a tickling rush of excitement, and Daisy takes her place in the barracks.


	3. Eggsy and Roxy on a joint mission

In Paris, they chase down an arms dealer and end up brawling in the middle of the Champs-Élysées. Tyres scream around them and the stench of burning rubber and his own blood clogs Eggsy's nose so thickly it's like he can taste it.

"Deux contre un!" the bloke howls as Roxy's kicking his kneecap out and Eggsy's going for his face. "Ce n'est pas juste!"

"Yeah, bruv, I reckon mass murder n'est pas juste either, but here we fucking are."

Roxy shuts the prick up with a dart jammed hard into his artery, and high fives Eggsy over his head.


	4. Hartwin proposal

It's that ridiculous sort of sunset you only get in films and Turner paintings: huge smudges of gilded pink clouds, the blazing half-circle of sun reflected for miles in the rippling waves, a single seagull screaming across the sky above the safehouse. Eggsy can't hold back a dopey grin when he feels Harry's arms slip around his waist from behind.

"Romantic, isn't it?" Harry murmurs. "Marry me."

"Fuck off!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Shit, no, sorry-" He spins in Harry's arms, heart pounding crazily, and kisses him "-I mean I was literally just gonna ask you!"

"Oh. Well. Yes, then."


	5. Hartwin heatwave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon request: Hartwin

It’s nothing as crass and obvious as deliberately fellating his ice lolly; Eggsy’s never needed props or tricks to make himself the centre of Harry’s attention. His tired smile is enough, and the slow reveal of tanned forearms as he rolls up his sleeves and starts fanning his sweating neck with Harry’s Guardian.

“Too hot,” he murmurs, slumped in the patio chair with his eyes closed and face turned up like a sunflower to the sky. His tongue chases a streak of thawing pink sliding down his wrist, and Harry wants to say _god, yes, I know what you mean_.


	6. Merlahad hospital fluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon request: Merlahad

Harry’s first gunshot wound came in 1986, and he played the martyr about it with every last ounce of his injured pride.

“I’ll lose the arm, I expect,” he said mournfully. Sitting on the infirmary bed in his vest and pants, he looked like a boy sulking because he’d forgotten his PE kit and his teacher was making him do it in his underwear.

But Merlin - not quite Merlin yet in 1986 - kissed him on the shoulder just above the ragged wound, and Harry’s breathless laughter tumbled out of him and sliced like a scalpel through the bleached hospital air.


	7. Hartwin, top Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon tumblr request: Hartwin with top Harry

Harry licks the long, sweating line of Eggsy's neck in an attempt to distract him from all the fumbling going on down below, but of course it doesn't work. He can feel the vibration of Eggsy's laughter against his lips, then gentle fingers closing around his wrist.

"You need a map?"

"Do shut up. I've been doing this since before you were born."

"So why you so fucking nervous?"

"Because it's you," Harry tells him, "it's _you_." His trembling fingers wind with Eggsy's when he finally angles himself right and slides inside, and Eggsy softly kisses his flushing, flustered cheek.


	8. Merhartwin, DP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon tumblr ask: "speaking of bottom!harry, is he ever going to have both merlin and eggsy fucking him? harry politely wants to know."

"Darling," Harry says, breathless and shivering, when Eggsy gets home from his Lisbon mission. The light from the hallway streaking into the bedroom makes his face glow, vivid and golden like something painted by Rossetti.

Beneath him, hands possessive on Harry's shifting hips, Merlin greets Eggsy with a tired smile. "Take over so I can sleep," he says. "Someone's feeling awfully needy tonight."

"Someone encourages that and fucking spoils him," Eggsy says sternly. He doesn't bother to undress, just unbuttons his trousers, and watches Harry's starving eyes trace the downward line of hair on his belly. "Room for one more?"


	9. Merlahad: Merlin needs to relax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon tumblr ask: "one of these days merlin is just going to keel over from all that over-indulging. someone needs to help/make him relax occasionally."

Merlin looks unimpressed at Eggsy over the top edge of his glasses when - still naked - he comes into the study. "Your sweaty bare arse better not touch my upholstery."

"After your dick and mine was just like"--Eggsy holds up two tightly-crossed fingers--"in your husband's backside? Prude." He kneels instead, feeling Merlin's fingers go straight to twist gently in his hair, and a slow trickle of lazy heat rolls down the length of his spine.

"Harry's going to miss you if he wakes up."

"He'll live. He knows we ain't going nowhere."

"No," Merlin agrees softly, stroking Eggsy's hair. "We're not."


	10. Merlahad: Eggsy sandwich

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon ask: Eggsy "he needs to be in the middle of a merlahad sandwich after all the good work he's putting in to keep them satisfied"

Eggsy's insistent about his hugs now he knows it's allowed, using the elbow patches on Merlin's jumper to guide his arms open then closed once he's inside their circle.

"Hello," Merlin says against the golden stubble shading Eggsy's cheek. "Do you want something?"

"This." But he's fidgety, unsettled, and it only takes Merlin murmuring Harry's name to drag him away from Eastenders and over to where they're standing in the kitchen. "Mission coulda gone better," Eggsy mumbles - but he feels Harry's arms go around him, a gentle kiss on his neck, and at last he starts to smile.


	11. Hartwin doily facial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Allie's fault](http://deepdarkwaters.tumblr.com/post/163770403416/sircolinfilth-is-to-blame-eggsys-watched-a-lot).

Eggsy's watched a _lot_ of bad porn in his time, but still he feels like he's outdoing himself gloriously with this panting and moaning show. "Yeah, babe," he pleads, exaggerated and ridiculous, only taking Harry's dick out of his mouth long enough for the words to tumble after it before he swallows it back down. "Come on, give it me, I want you to come on me so much my face looks like a sperm doily."

"...Should I apologise?" Harry asks politely a few moments after doing exactly as he was told. He sits up in bed - elegant fingers still wrapped around the length of his dick, dripping wet now and glistening in the rosy lamplight - to better watch Eggsy yell and flap around the bedroom looking for something to wipe the goo out of his eyes with.

"Yes! Fucksake, Harry!"

"You know perfectly well how strongly I feel about home furnishings, you revolting little hellion."

Eggsy scowls at him and deliberately uses the sleeve of Harry's favourite silk pyjamas to start mopping his face clean. "Thought you was gonna _laugh_ , not go off like a fucking firework."

"I'm laughing now."

He is as well, the bastard. Ok - payback time.


	12. Merlahad: solar eclipse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy watches Merlin watch the moon.

Eggsy’s adjusting the strap on JB’s tiny Kingsman-logo tinted goggles - because Merlin’s taking this all very fucking seriously - when he says, “So if we weren’t the good guys, if we were megalomaniac fucking scumbags, this’d be the time to hit. Go for it while everyone and his dog’s out staring up at the sky.”

“Well, it’ll only be dark for a matter of seconds,” Harry points out - but he’s as quiet as anyone when it happens, and Eggsy watches his hand creep up to rest on Merlin’s trembling shoulder as the circle of the corona bursts alive around the moon.


	13. Merhartwin: strawberry allergy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr request from arlessiar: What about Merhartwin and an allergic reaction to strawberries? :)

It's all going so well until Eggsy produces a bottle of strawberry-flavoured lubricant.

"Ah," Harry says apologetically. "Perhaps you and Merlin might continue without me. I'd very much like to watch."

"What you on about?" Eggsy's clothes fly in every direction and he starts on Merlin's, impatiently yanking his jumper over his head and knocking his glasses crooked. "Kit off, dicks out."

"Harry's allergic to strawberries."

"It ain't jam, for fuck's sake, it's chemicals."

"I'd rather not risk it."

"Whoa, me neither," Eggsy says, wide-eyed as he's unbuttoning Harry's trousers, "if it's gonna make this monster swell up even more."


	14. Merlahad: slightly illegal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon request: How abouuuut Merlin's reaction to Harry blatantly peacocking by using Kingsman weapons on civilians when he beat up Dean Baker et al. ?

Merlin says nothing, and still Harry cracks immediately as though he's not been vigorously trained for three decades to resist interrogation.

"You needn't look at me like that. It was nothing worse than the scuffles they cause amongst themselves every night."

Merlin's left eyebrow raises, slow, devastating.

"I know technically it was slightly illegal of me, but-"

Merlin's other eyebrow lifts at the ‘but'. He thinks he sees a gleam of nervous sweat appearing on Harry's upper lip.

Then quietly, furiously, Harry says, "They were so rude to him."

"That's not an excuse."

"It's an explanation, and I'm not sorry."


	15. Merlahad: animal hoarder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon request: Would you mind writing about Harry being an animal hoarder? With some merlahad or merhartwin?

"Mr Pickle wouldn't have wanted you to live like this," Merlin says, because this is the sort of thing he's resorted to trying now Harry's grief has levelled up to mania.

"How dare you presume to know what Mr Pickle would want?" Harry snaps at him from their bed, surrounded by terrifying sphynx kittens like two dozen naked bollocks tumbling around in the sheets.

"Fine." Merlin raises his hands, defeated. "I'm going to work. Wallow as much as you need."

"Please bring cat litter and gin on your way home."

"Harry."

"And some mice for the python."

"What fucking python?"


	16. Eggsy/Tilde/Harry: wedding gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon tumblr request: Harry getting spit-roasted by Eggsy and Tilde as a special wedding gift from Tilde, to Eggsy, with love, please and yes.

Tilde's in her wedding dress, all the silk and lace of it ruffling around her thighs and the fat length of the strap on she's wearing instead of underwear. Of fucking course she'd have a harness in Swedish flag colours, not that the ridiculousness of it is making Eggsy's mouth water any less.

"Shoulda tied a ribbon on it if that's my present."

She laughs at that, shakes her head, and Eggsy follows her glance to the armchair in the corner - to Harry, hard as hell and wearing a bow around his cock. "Älskling, we can do better than that."


	17. Hartwin: bad dirty talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr request from thatgirl-who: Eggsy with absolutely terrible dirty talk.

There are many obstacles when falling in love with a man three decades one's junior, but the biggest is something Harry never anticipated.

"Yeah," Eggsy moans, extravagantly rapturous with his fingers clutching Harry's hair to direct his mouth. "Suck my hard rod."

Harry's uncontrollable laughter gets shoved back into his mouth by Eggsy's insistent cock fucking over his tongue, and the sound bursts through his nose instead in a ridiculous muffled snort.

"You like that?" Eggsy demands, "like choking on my dick?"

As a matter of fact he rather does, but he's still going to delete PornHub from Eggsy's phone.


	18. Merlahad: hair porn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr request from hisreindeerjumper: some good ol' fashioned hair porn for merlahad :)

They all have their ways to wind down after a difficult mission. Gawain runs laps around the grounds like he's being chased by wild dogs. Bedivere borrows a car and roars it through winding country lanes until he's back in himself. And Galahad - Harry - goes to Camden Palace and dances in the heaving crowd under a fug of hairspray fumes until he's too exhausted to make it home and comes to knock at Hamish's flat in Kentish Town instead.

"I'll sleep here," he says, drunkenly affectionate, sprawling across the sofa with his head in Hamish's lap.

His face is flushed from the drink and the dance and the biting night breeze, warming further under the backs of Hamish's fingers when he can't resist gently touching him there. A dimple flickers into being at the crooked edge of Harry's sleepy smile when he feels it, then fades away.

"I'm made of elbows," Hamish says desperately, drawing his hand back as though Harry's face burned it. "I'm not a comfortable pillow."

"Hush, you're wonderful." Harry wriggles closer, his collapsed hairdo falling into his face until Hamish touches him again: his feverish forehead, the arched lines of his brows, then hesitantly the floppy strands covering his closed eyes, stroking them back across Harry's matted bouffant of hairspray and sweat. "My hair is appalling, you needn't touch it. It smells like cigarettes and pina colada."

"Hush," Hamish echoes in an awkward, heartfelt little murmur that conjures forth the devastating dimple in Harry's cheek again. "You're wonderful."

"Well, in that case you needn't stop." He nudges his head insistently against Hamish's fingers to make him stroke properly, threading through the mess and teasing out the tangles until Harry, clumsy and foolish and sweet from the alcohol, twists around to kiss his hand like a princess.


	19. Hartwin: grandad Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr request from thatgirl-who: give me grandad harry.

"You're thirty-four," Harry complains, "and my hip needs replacing. Have some respect for your elders."

Of course Eggsy doesn't budge from his lap, he never does, but Harry doesn't really mind. It's a fairly reasonable price to pay: Eggsy's as bad as Hamish, stubbornly refusing to age past the point of his prime, and this close he's all gold skin, long pretty eyelashes, the pink shine of licked lips.

"Looks like constellations," Eggsy murmurs, tracing a path through the age-spots on Harry's hands. "Cassiopeia here, Draco here," and he touches the softest little kiss right in the middle of Pegasus.


	20. Harry & Eggsy: godfather proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon tumblr request: eggsy asking harry to be godfather to his baby

"God didn't intend me to be in any position of influence over a child," Harry says, flustered. It's a good look on him, this startled panic; it's making his cheeks go a bit pink, and his eyes are Disney-huge behind his glasses before he glances back down at the baby Eggsy just dumped in his arms. "Hello again, Princess. What do you think about all of this?"

"That's her considering having a shit face, don't take it as an opinion."

Eggsy watches Harry shush Maja back to sleep, and sees in his besotted eyes the exact moment he decides _yes_.


	21. Harry/Victoria: 69

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon tumblr request: Bespoke Harry/Victoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their first encounter aged 35 and 19 is [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6766375)!

_If I weren't so afraid of your Medusa glare at my appropriating your birthday for my own pleasure, I'd suggest something relevant to celebrate your 69th._

The text chirps onto Victoria's phone and makes her smile against the rim of her wine glass, still as stupidly fond of this boy as she was half her lifetime ago. He's not changed nearly as much as she has; broader in the chest, less extravagant with his hairstyles, but no less bold and charming at fifty-two than he was at nineteen.

 _My flat_ , she types, and Harry replies with a sparkly emoji heart.


	22. Harry's embroidery hobby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr request from sircolinfilth: Harry cross-stitching slutty old lady things :*

"The fuck is that?"

The combination of antique brass and leather loupes strapped around his head and his tailored waistcoat and rolled up sleeves makes Harry look like a man at his first steampunk convention. He peers up at Eggsy, eyes huge and owlish through the lenses, and says rather snippily, "It's called embroidery, Eggsy, and I'll thank you not to mock it. It's a tremendous stress-reliever."

"Why you all done up like a Victorian watchmaker?"

He tilts the hoop so Eggsy can see 'Fuck You' beautifully stitched in rainbow silk.

"I'm fifty-five years old, and this is forty-count linen."


	23. Merhartwin: top Harry the only way I know how

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon request: TOP HARRY AS THE GOOD LORD INTENDED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get off my lawn.

Harry had an extra whisky after dinner and he's mouthy with it like always, a little more flushed and rumpled than usual, flirty and needy. Merlin's used to him like this, but something about Harry so soft in the eyes and pink in the cheeks is setting Eggsy alight, and when Harry drops to his knees and hungrily sucks Eggsy's cock right to the back of his pulsing throat it takes him no time at all to finish with a sound they can probably hear from space.

"I ain't coming again, love," Eggsy says through his giddy laughter when he can speak again, "not after that, not yet." He can't take his besotted eyes off Harry, watching him primly wipe the come splashes from his lips and suck his messy thumb into his mouth. "Ask Merlin nicely."

He's recovered enough by the time they get upstairs to manhandle Harry into place astride Merlin's thighs, opens him up rough and fast with two slick fingers the way he likes it, and when Harry sinks down trembling hot around Merlin's cock it's with Eggsy's arms around him and his voice murmuring in his ear, "Exactly where you're meant to be, ain't it?"


	24. Merlahad: lingerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "u know what the world needs more of? harry in lingerie and heels."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follows on from [Bespoke](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6835120) (the fic, not the entire series)

Harry opens the folds of tissue paper and strokes one careful fingertip across the ivory silk contained within. "It was a joke before," he says, though there’s something longing and a little bit excited in the tone of his voice. "A forfeit."

"Yes," Merlin agrees, "before. You liked it, so you should have more."

"Spoiled," Harry murmurs as he’s lifting the knickers out of the box to inspect the barely-visible stitching. "You might have bought me some heels to go with them, skinflint."

From his armchair, Merlin smirks gently and nudges another gift box closer with his foot. "I might."


	25. Hartwin stubble kissing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From elletromil on tumblr: "Is there going to be a ficlet that puts Eggsy's stubble in the spot light? Because unf yes please"

"You need a shave," Harry says, but he's breathless and his eyes look like they're holding all the stars in the galaxy in the moments before he lunges for Eggsy's mouth again.

"Stop kissing me and I will," Eggsy tells him, or tries to; every sound he makes is drawn into Harry's mouth and swallowed greedily away. "I only been captured a week, how can you be this hard up for it…"

"Shut up," Harry demands, and when Eggsy's thumbs press into the raw spread of stubble burn around his mouth and chin he laughs like he's high, or terrified.


	26. Merhartwin: pretty face wrinkles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From elletromil on tumblr: "So I wonder, is Eggsy loving Harry and Merlin's laugh and worry lines as much as I do?"

Eggsy, lazing in bed already, recoils from the cool slap of moisturiser against his face and opens his eyes to glare at the perpetrator.

"It's good for you," Harry tells him sternly, rubbing his hands to get rid of the residue. "Moisturise now, thank me later."

"Harry's thirty-two," Merlin says from the other pillow. "He's had a hard life. Better listen to him."

"Yeah, aging ain't that bad." Eggsy holds his corner of the covers up so Harry can get in beside him, and instead of his mouth kisses the crow's feet by his smiling eyes. "Suits you pair, anyway."


	27. Hartwin: daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From tumblr anon: "Okay so what if Harry is still older than Eggsy but Harry is the one with a Daddy Kink and the first time Harry calls him Daddy, Eggsy realises that fuck yeah, he's all for that?"

Emptying the wine bottle before dinner's even finished cooking hasn't made them drunk - certainly not Harry with the slab of granite he's got instead of a liver - but a bit warm and silly, and Eggsy squirms away from Harry's roaming hands to start unknotting his tie. "Be a good boy and set the table," he says, pulling Harry into a kiss by the tails, "and maybe you'll get a dick for pudding."

"Yes, daddy," Harry says dutifully, though he's smirking like the devil at the look on Eggsy's face.

The smoke alarm goes off after an hour because they're distracted.


	28. Merhartwin: Harry's hair is made of clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "How difficult is it for Eggsy to constantly refrain from waxing lyrical about Harry's hair? (also squeaking when merlin shows him a picture of younger harry for the first time and impossibly it's... even more voluminous????)"

Flipping through the pages of the photo album he found while he was snooping through the spare room cupboards, Eggsy asks, "So did you make your hair do that on purpose or did you accidentally put the knife in the toaster?"

He holds it up for the others to see: twenty-year-old Harry's blazer sleeves are rolled up to the elbows and his hair is practically a beehive. He looks like he belongs in Duran Duran.

"I'll have you know I was considered extremely stylish back in the day," Harry says, sounding offended. "You should've seen Merlin's poodle perm in 1988."


	29. Harry/Elton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "Harry/Elton"

“Elton John is taller than I imagined.”

It’s not what Eggsy expected would be the thing to break their devastated silence on the plane home.

“Of course,” Harry adds, “he was wearing six-inch platform heels.”

“Today feels like a weird bad dream.” Eggsy gets up on wobbly legs to start making Jägerbombs since they’ve finished all the gin; Merlin, top bloke that he is - was, Eggsy remembers with lurch of misery - stocked the bar with Red Bull especially for him.

“Want to be my plus-one?”

“He wants you to fuck him, you idiot, you don’t get a plus-one.”


	30. Hartwin: Harry penetrating Eggsy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "Harry penetrating Eggsy"

“It’ll hurt,” Eggsy says stubbornly.

“Really, this? It’s just a tiny prick.”

“I want Merlin to do it. No offence.”

“It will hurt if Merlin does it. Believe me, I speak from experience. He’s a brute. Straight in and out, doesn’t even kiss it better afterwards.”

Eggsy’s looking up at Harry through his eyelashes from the bed, still uncertain but starting to thaw. “Promise I get a kiss once you’re done fucking ramming me and I’ll let you.”

“That sounds fair.”

Eggsy sighs like he’s making a mistake and holds out his arm so Harry can inject his new tracker.


	31. Hartwin: sucking balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "can you do eggsy sucking harry's balls?"

“Close your eyes and open wide,” Harry tells him.

Eggsy, already in bed, clamps his mouth tightly shut. _Nope_ , he finger spells, then tries to speak without opening his lips like a shit ventriloquist. “Is it your balls again? I don’t fucking trust you.”

“Man up,” Harry says severely. “My balls are an international delicacy.”

“Fucksake.” Eggsy squeezes his eyes shut and opens his mouth dutifully, almost gagging at the soft texture and appallingly strong taste of rum that follows.

Harry sounds hopeful. “Well?”

Eggsy spits the chocolate truffle attempt into his hand. “You ever tried _not_ putting booze in your food?”


	32. Merlahad: tv habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "What about Merlin and Harry watching Never Mind the Buzzcocks"

“I can’t watch this,” Harry says. He’s not looked this upset since he saw The Notebook for the first time. “They always have some poor lovely slightly dim boyband singer on to use as target practice. It sets off my mothering instinct.”

“You told me only last week in excruciating detail how badly you want to strip Fielding out of his dress and suck him off,” Merlin points out, and Harry’s eyes go slightly glazed.

“Well, yes, there is that.”

Eggsy’s looking between them, fascinated and a bit revolted. “This seriously ain’t how I thought you pair spent your evenings.”


	33. Merlahad: Harry reads Harry Potter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "Harry crying reading Harry Potter for the first time"

Merlin’s seen Harry cry twice in the decades they’ve known each other: when Mr Pickle died, and when he was extremely tired after a disastrous mission and a stubbed toe in HQ proved to be the final straw.

“Harry?” he says carefully from the doorway. Harry stares at him from the bed with tears flooding down his cheeks, stricken with choked sobs. “What’s wrong? Is Eggsy alright?”

“It’s so stu-hu-hupid,” Harry hiccups furiously. “Not _Dobby_.”

The word means nothing to Merlin but he goes over anyway and kisses Harry’s wet cheek about ninety times until he can’t help smiling again.


	34. Merlahad: Harry vs Elton John's wardrobe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "Harry's got a backstage pass and Merlin wants to watch"

“First left, second right,” Merlin says from the control room. “The pass code is 2-6-2-5.”

“Are you aware that spells ‘anal’?” Harry asks nonchalantly as he’s tapping the number keys on the door.

“Yes, far too well; just get on with it, please.”

Harry quietly lets himself into the room, then emits an entirely ridiculous groan of pleasure at the racks of costumes: feathers and sequins everywhere, towering platform boots, huge curly wigs.

“I’m trying every fucking thing on,” he says fiercely, fumbling to take off his jacket.

Merlin presses record on his screen and sits back for the show.


	35. Eggsy & Harry: The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "can you do one that's Harry and Eggsy, but not shippy? Just how much they care about each other in a father/son way"

Eggsy yells in Roxy’s ear over the thumping music halfway through his stag do, “You ever wanted to see Harry lose his cool?”

“Not particularly, but if you’re offering…”

“Watch this.”

She shifts along a few seats to eavesdrop, as Eggsy pens Harry in from the other side and steals a swallow of his whisky.

“I know I’m getting married next week, but you ain’t done mentoring me yet.”

“What on earth do you mean?” Harry asks, looking confused.

“My dad died. I never got The Talk.”

Harry’s face blanches like someone turned down the saturation dial on the world.


	36. Merwin: cock warming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "merwin cock warming"

“So I know the mission was just fuck up this cock-fighting ring, but…”

“But,” Merlin prompts in his you-are-one-inch-from-being-grounded-for-a-year-young-man voice.

“But I couldn’t just leave them poor birds so I brought them home and now they’re all split up around HQ so they don’t murder each other and they’re all sad and cold and their feathers are falling out and I don’t know what to do,” Eggsy finishes all in one breath.

Merlin pinches the bridge of his nose. “Alright, calm down. Geraint keeps rescue hens, he knits little jumpers for them until their feathers come back. Let’s start there.”


	37. Roxy: cowboy boots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "now I'm desperate for a story with Roxy dressed in cowboy boots and a Sherpa jacket."

When Eggsy’s finally finished sobbing in relief, which takes several slightly embarrassing hours longer than anybody expected, Roxy explains, “I had to go dark. I had no idea who was compromised.”

“But me and Merlin!” Eggsy objects, until Merlin reminds him, “You accused me too,” then he shuts up, shamefaced.

“And now I’m here, somehow in a better shape than you lot despite surviving an exploding mansion.”

“You look like a Statesman,” the new Agent Whiskey tells her, looking approvingly at her borrowed cowboy boots, and Roxy grins.

“Let me know next time there’s a place and maybe I’ll defect.”


	38. Merlahad: THE SLUTTIEST BOTTOM HARRY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "THE SLUTTIEST BOTTOM HARRY (with the sluttiest top merlin)"

Harry can’t even wait to get home, only as far as a slimy alleyway near the Camden Palace.

He drags Hamish by the hand behind a skip and paws desperately at his trousers. “You need to give it to me right now or I shall scream and wake this entire fucking city.”

“I spoil you,” Hamish says, shoving Harry’s shoulders until he’s kneeling in a dirty puddle at his feet.

“Please,” Harry begs, “please, I need it.”

“Alright, you’ll get it, hang on - there,” he says, a satisfied sigh as he slides his cock right into Harry’s hot, starving throat.


	39. Merlahad: kilt kink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "Harry unashamedly trying to put his hands up Merlin’s kilt no matter where they go"

“Explain to me why you’re wearing that thing to my mother’s bloody fourth wedding when you know full well I have absolutely no self-control around it.”

Hamish says nothing, straight-faced as ever but with a glint of something hot and hungry in his eyes and the slightest touch of a smile hovering at the corner of his lips, right on Harry’s favourite place to kiss.

The photograph hangs in Harry’s mother’s living room until wedding number five, and only two people ever know Harry’s glorious grin is because his hand is cupped around Hamish’s bare arse cheek under his kilt.


	40. Merlahad: memory loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr anon: "Harry asking Merlin if he and Ginger are an item"

“She’s very nice,” Harry says when Ginger leaves the room with his empty lunch tray. There’s something hideously polite about his voice - he was always flawlessly polite before, at least when he wanted to be, but his tone now is the slightly aloof one of someone making conversation with a stranger in the next train seat to pass the time.

“Yes, she is.”

“Are you married?”

Hamish’s breath falls out of him in a startled, miserable laugh before he can stop it. He can’t find the words to explain he’s been Hamish Hart since the day after it became legal.


	41. Merlahad: kilt fluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr request from hisreindeerjumper: "i just need some good, fun, fluffy merlahad feels"

When Harry emerges from under Hamish’s kilt after five minutes of extremely enthusiastic sucking, his hand takes over from his mouth and starts a torturously slow slide up and down Hamish’s cock so he can smile at him, slightly dazed, his mouth shining wet and red from the friction.

“I’ll admit I didn’t actually think you’d do it,” Harry says. There’s a glint of laughter in his eyes as he sticks his tongue out again and begins to swipe it gently around the leaking end of the cock in his hand like someone trying to be polite about eating a Cornetto.

“Sing Rhinestone Cowboy on karaoke with the Queen of Sweden at her daughter’s wedding party in return for a sneaky suck in the cloakroom? Come off it, Harry. I lost my legs, not my brain.”

“Or your absolutely flawless prick, I’m very pleased to confirm,” Harry says, happily rubbing his cheek against it.

“What would the forfeit have been if I refused your dare?”

Harry’s grin is dimpled and mischievous when he looks up from his place kneeling on the carpet between Merlin’s futuristic new science-fiction legs. “You’d have had to come to the cloakroom for a sneaky suck.”


	42. Merlahad: holding hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr prompt from mang-o: "our boys merlin and harry holding hands, because they're sappy like that? pls?"

Edinburgh in winter is beautiful but freezing, as slippery as an ice rink up the steep slope of Cockburn Street.

“Alright?” Harry asks for about the twentieth time, and gets his twentieth baleful sideways glare.

“Don’t fuss,” Hamish says, annoyed, but after a minute he grudgingly admits, “I forgot everywhere you walk in this city seems to be uphill. Much easier with your own legs.”

“We don’t have to live here, you know.”

That makes him smile faintly, and he winds his chilly fingers with Harry’s to keep himself steady. “You’re not getting me back south of the border now.”


	43. Tilwin: Eggsy's late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon tumblr prompt: "How about Eggsy being late for a date with Tilde but once he gets there he finds out that Harry has stepped in for him?"

_Babe sorry running late b there asap x_

Don’t rush. Replaceable. X

_Lmaooo breaking my heart how dare x_

No difference tbh. Identical pinstripes/aftershave/cute little cheek dimples. X

_Wait r u talking about Harry lmao x  
Babe no don’t replace me w the better version I’m fucked! X  
U won’t take me back x  
Can u order for me ty x_

He’s ordered for you. X  
You should probably marry him instead. X

_Hahahah no way can u imagine x  
Never get a turn in front of the mirror again x  
Love u b there in 10 x_


End file.
